I want it!!!

So much has happened I’m my RL  world since I posted my last review. If you have read my about me page you know that I was diagnosed with a rare auto immune disease over 8 years ago. I was only 31 when my doctor told me that I had Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD). I had been bed ridden for about a year when they finally found out what I had. Not fun for a woman who has 3 children to raise. Even worse when they tell you there is no cure and really no set treatment, that you are essentially a guinea pig for the rest of your life. These last8 years have been a roller coaster. I had never been in a remission. My diseases ( yes multiple – one of the fun parts of MCTD is that it is overlapping diseases) liked attacking my body too much to leave me alone, even for a week. I was on chemo for 6 years. Which lead to more health problems, such as liver and kidney problems.

Last week I went in for my quarterly visit with my Rheumy. I have never really had a good visit. Every time I went in I was diagnosed with a new disease or they prescribed a new drug in hopes of finding some “miracle” mixture that would allow me to lead a “normal” life. So imagine my shock and utter joy when I found out that all my labs were normal. That my liver was starting to heal itself (the only organ in the body to do this, in case you didn’t know). I was told after so many years that my body had finally gone into a remission. A remission for someone with my disease isn’t what most think. It just means at this moment my body isn’t attacking itself, it can start back up at any moment. Yet hearing those words literally mean so much to me. While I know I will have little flares due to weather, and pushing myself, as of right now I see this amazing blaring white light at the end of the tunnel. I see hope and joy.

This is me the day after receiving the amazing news. This is the day I started a new adventure….I joined a gym. 3 months ago I was using a cane to walk. My muscles wouldn’t always work right and I had to rebuild them (the 3rd time I’ve had to do this in two years). This is the day I decided to take my life back. A new day, a new me. I am taking this gift that was given to me and running with it. I am not going to take it for granted and I’m reminding myself that tomorrow it can all go away. I am blessed. I can finally experience life, something that I’ve missed a lot of in the past 8 years. I will fight to stay healthy, to stay in remission (fingers crossed cause I know this will not be an easy fight). I have found my fight.

I absolutely love a Blue October and when I went to see them in concert in 2016 I found a song that really hit home for me. Here are some of the lyrics that resonate with me. It’s from the song called “I want it” of their Home album.


Flames burn down together
I refuse to ignite
I won’t walk away (that is not in me)
I’m here to stay

So I raise my hand in grace
Pray for the ones I wish I could erase
Cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be
Live for the moment and the mystery of everybody owns a scar
To show us how we got this far
Cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be
Don’t ever think you’ll take away the fight in me

I want it…
I want it more than you ever did…

It reminds me all of my scars, mental and physical, only show how far I’ve come and how much fight I have in me. I have dealt with more in the last two years then most people do in a lifetime, and that’s just TWO years, not even the full length of my illness. I know that no matter what I have a support system that is never going to let me down. How do I know this?? Because I have found the people who have been there for me during my darkest hours, during the times I didn’t know if I could function at all. And they were rooting for me. Depression is one thing anyone with a chronic illness deals with. It’s a beast that is hard to fight and it’s nearly impossible to take on by yourself. But that’s another story for another day.

Told ya’ll I would be getting more personal on MBB. This blog is going to be changing just as I am… ever evolving. So now enough of the heavy. If you’ve stayed around and read down to this point lol thank you…. I just finished reading Samantha Towle’s Breaking Hollywood and my review will be coming up soon. It is scheduled to post on her release day….which I believe is October 3rd (yep it is….had to make sure). But let me tell  you get in on this and pre order cause it so freaking worth it….I’ll be back sometime this weekend with the preorder links for ya’ll….. but it is now after midnight and I should take my happy ass to sleep….or at least try to. Seems insomnia does not have a remission lmao. So until next time, deuces and smooches!!!


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